WHERE IS MY SNOW!?!
With Christmas you usually get snow, right? Well this year, apparently, we aren't actually getting any. If you're a driver, you are probably over joyed after the horrors of last year. But for the children like me, I am extremely saddened because.. I like snow and I like wearing my wellies and red jeans!
My mum asked me what I wanted for Christmas..
For the first time ever I actually don't want anything. Heck there are things I need like, maybe an iPod? But.. I actually don't want anything. I do not feel the need for materialistic things, for a change. I don't know why, but ever since I have moved to Aberdeen I do not see the need in shopping continuously like I used to when I lived with my folks. I have only, ever, bought myself one thing whilst living in Aberdeen and that was a pretty red dress <3
Am I a changed individual? Highly doubt it. The problem is I have so many things on my mind that I can not contemplate buying things I do not need.
You really want to know what I want for Christmas? A time machine. I want to go back to 2010, spend all the time in the world with my gran, change a few things over and then be happy...
I am usually 90% of the time cheerful, but I'm not actually happy. Everyday I get a stabbing feeling in my chest. Once it got so bad I was bent over in agony at work. Why? I don't know but my mum is begging me to go to the doctors.
I have a feeling something is missing in my life right now. I know what it is, so no need to try and guess. What is sad, is that I tried to fill this void with a 17 year old boy and lots of alcohol, which in turn made me realise how stupid I was being and made me make a tough choice to move back home.
NO, I am not moving home because of him.. I am moving home because, sorry to say this (no I am not an attention seeking whore), I am depressed. I know I have no excuse to be since she was only my grandmother, but I do miss her, and I regret many of the choices I made. That isn't the only thing which is getting me down.
The past seems to come back at the most inappropriate times. So then, you guys know the man who has been raising me for 8 years, isn't actually my biological dad? Well he is my dad! So if some asshole decides he wants contact with me after 8 years of neglect, can go and jog on! How dare he try and mentally torture me? I was doing fine until he tried to get in contact with me. He only wanted me as a child to try and pull women. He even made me ask my primary school secretary out on a date for him. Humiliating? Yes...
He mentally abused my mum and physically abused my brother. He disowned me when I was only 15 when I was crying out for a relationship. Well guess what? His fault! I have the most amazing father in the world, who supports me through-out everything. I worship the ground that man walks on. When I choose to get married, it will be him that walks me down the isle, it will be him that holds my first born, it will be him that I die for. Guess what (if my future husband agrees to this), I will have my first born son named after him, because Colin Shipton is the greatest man alive, and he is the greatest thing that has happened to my mother and I. I do not know how to thank him enough, nor do I know what I would do without him. He has saved me so many times. To him I am his daughter, and he shows me what love truly is. I never knew a father's love until I met him.
Anyway enough of this tear fest ... on my part.
Season of good will! Remember that family time isn't only of Christmas day but it should be everyday!
Also.. there is no such thing as Jesus, or a God.. so I celebrate Christmas as a season of goodwill, and a day of thanks. A day of remembrance. A day of forgiveness, to those who deserve it.
Wish you guys a happy new year! Hopefully 2012 is good to you.
Hopefully it doesn't actually bring the end of the world.
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