It has been a shit couple of weeks for me..
Should I list them? Meh, may as well..:
1 ) Gran dies, and I had to watch her die.. Would never wish that upon my enemy. It is truly horrific.
2 ) Satan / Sumo, has wormed her way into my mother's life again by playing games. These games are called Katie.
3 ) I love Aberdeen, but I feel bitterly lonely.
4 ) I think I am losing my mum to Sumo's games ='(
Gran's Death:
Basically this tore me up inside. I actually wanted to cry at the funeral but I thought since I am only the grand-daughter, people would be angry that I cried; or thought I was an attention seeker. But I'm not, I just love her. I actually haven't cried since she died, and I feel as though there is a little part of me missing.
I miss her smell. I miss her random texts and letters telling me she missed me and that she was thinking of me. I also miss her laugh... her sweet, funny, little laugh. All I have left now are pictures around my room, pictures of when I was a baby and she was holding me ^_^
I found out recently that she was extremely proud of me. She thought I was in University, but sorry to disappoint I'm not, nor do I intend to. But she was proud. My grand-dad now talks about me a lot which is because apparently she must have talked about me a lot to grand-dad =3
Now due to her passing, I am the "gate keeper" and "the chosen one". Don't ask me, my mum gave me these nicknames because I have a soul, and refused to hurt my gran when she was alive! Because I have empathy..now onto the next topic;
SATAN HAS RETURNED!!!
In case you may not have known this, I have a half sister, who has a daughter; which makes her my niece. I knew her growing up because my niece was my best friend. She used to stand at the bottom of the stairs every Saturday morning shouting my name to wake me up. She was almost 2 at the time, so she could say "Ally" =3 Then came the day "sumo" stole £4,000 from my mum and my dad, and did a lot more shady shit; that I would rather not divulge into right now.
Now, my gran requested to see "sumo" and Katie before she passed; so we got in contact and wah-lah, she arrived with a thunderous crash! I had to sit in the same room as her as my gran died, and sit next to her in the funeral. You have no idea how much I wanted to beat the crap out of her! I hate that worthless piece of shit! I wouldn't spit of her if she was bouncing around in flames; because she can't run, she's FAT!
Anyway yeah, she asked my mum if she wanted to see Katie on Christmas night; knowing full well I would be there! But thankfully my mother said no. Good. But sadly I know she is using Katie to get to my mum, which is killing me inside because my mum is falling for it. But meh.. she is an adult.
Quite Lonely:
My brother is lucky, he has Mairi (his fiance) to go back to in Finland, after this whole mess. But when I came back to Aberdeen I had no one. I couldn't talk to my mum because she was busy, couldn't talk to my dad because he was busy and, it isn't something I want to talk to him about. So I have no one. I am actually the loneliest I have been in my whole life. I just want someone to talk to, and cry to. I think the constant pain that I have in my chest is my built up emotions. It is getting pretty dam painful now =S
Losing My Mum:
Probably if you are reading this you are thinking I am stupid and paranoid. But I am not! I am always the one having to call my mum now. My mum doesn't come up to visit me anymore during the weekends because she has "satan's child". So what else am I to think.
Right, I did something mean, I made my mum chose between me (a loyal, respectful daughter she has raised for 20 years), or a grand-child (who she has only fully known for less than a month). What pained me and almost made me lose my temper was the fact she couldn't chose. Now tell me I am stupid, still?
If I wasn't losing her to some other child, she would have chosen me, but she couldn't. So what I am learning to do, is not contact her. If she wants to talk to me, she can call me. But I'd rather not lose a mum because if she died I would probably die as well because I love her that much. But life is a bitch right?
I might not come home over Christmas anymore. Might decide to stay in Aberdeen because I'd rather my mum saw Katie than me. That is how I truly feel.. Who needs Family? Because right now, I do, but I can't seem to get through to them. But if my family want me back, they know what to do. Make that choice!
Well, please say the New Year brings me happiness because I really do not understand what I have done wrong to deserve this shit? If you know them email me the answer ^_^ That would be lovely!
Time to go and revise now...
Byeeee!!!* <3
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