Long Time No Speak

It has been a year! :-O

Don't know why it has been so long.. probably because I had things to do, people to see, places to be? 

Update:

Left Aberdeen (Hoorrayy!)

Moved back in with my parents.. 

Attended my Exercise to Music Course!

Failed my Exercise to Music Course
Got scammed by a job in Edinburgh (I am stupid!)
Got my job back in Clarks!

Things haven't been as great as I wanted them to be, I do wonder a lot what life would have been like if I stayed in Aberdeen. But I think everything happens for a reason, and I truly wasn't happy there. Glad to be back with my friends. 

   I spent the whole of January drunk.. Yups I am pretty sure I spent my £2000 drinking =S Which is a stupid thing for me to do.. but it was fun! It allowed me to let loose, even if it did mean that I had to get hurt once or twice. Now that is my rebellion stage over with.. I am responsible (most of the time)

   

Going to save £130 just to resit my exam so I can attend my Body Pump course in June (not May.. June because Kayleigh is going!)  

   So.. major changes are going to happen to me in 2012! I will lose a stone (for stupid reasons..), and I will pass my course to do what makes me truly happy! I am going to do what makes me happy, meaning cutting ties with some people (which has already happened) and making ties with new people. Don't want scum in my life anymore.. not worth the hassle! 

Yeah, this is a pointless blog =/ 

Thanks

As I am waiting for socks to dry (they take too long..)


I thought I would do what I promised my mum yesterday I would do, but never got round to doing it; because alcohol tastes too good!
   Here is a thank you to her, and recognition for how much of an amazing mother, role model, friend and father she has been for me. Yes I said father because before she met my dad, she was like a father figure to me as well. She is just a sweet transvestite =P


    My mum has been through so much recently. Too much for me to fully understand. But yet she has remained strong and always put on a brave face for everyone. Even after her mother died she went straight back into work, and remained positive in front of others. She isn't one of these people you see on the Jeremy Kyle show who resort to drink and drugs after a loss of a loved one, she isn't stupid that way. 


   Without her I don't know what I would be doing today. Two days without a call from her drives me crazy because I love talking with her, and hearing her disgusting ways, "I think I'll go for a poo, talk to you later"  .. yeah she is going to kill me for that! hahahaha! 
  But anyway, even with failed marriages and relationships; she never let any new man get in the way of her love for her children. She begged and paid my biological sperm donor to take me out swimming, or to the movies; anything that wasn't at his recent girlfriends house. She was the one that begged me to call him and see him, even though I didn't want to. 


   As well as being an amazing mother, she is a great grandmother. That is all I am going to say on that matter. Katie is lucky to have you. 


  She may drive me up the wall half the time, but that is only because we are so much a like. If I was to be like anyone, I am glad it is my mum. I would love to be as beautiful, intelligent, funny, and as strong as she is. 

   With her past experiences she gives me support and guidance on the things I should do in life. She has supported me through out everything, even if I am still trying to find my way. She doesn't judge me on the choices I make, she just lets me learn from my mistakes. She was the one that picked me up when I fell hard, she was the one that kissed my tears away. 
   I would die for you and I would die without you. I can not understand how you have managed without granny, because I wouldn't be able to cope without you. I need your rational mind to calm my irrational thinking. You keep me happy, and for that I thank you.


I love you mum! =D 


x

Every Little Ramble Helps: It's Almost Christmas!

Every Little Ramble Helps: It's Almost Christmas!: WHERE IS MY SNOW!?! With Christmas you usually get snow, right? Well this year, apparently, we aren't actually getting any. If you're a d...

It's Almost Christmas!

WHERE IS MY SNOW!?! 

With Christmas you usually get snow, right?  Well this year, apparently, we aren't actually getting any. If you're a driver, you are probably over joyed after the horrors of last year. But for the children like me, I am extremely saddened because.. I like snow and I like wearing my wellies and red jeans! 

My mum asked me what I wanted for Christmas.. 

   For the first time ever I actually don't want anything. Heck there are things I need like, maybe an iPod? But.. I actually don't want anything. I do not feel the need for materialistic things, for a change. I don't know why, but ever since I have moved to Aberdeen I do not see the need in shopping continuously like I used to when I lived with my folks. I have only, ever, bought myself one thing whilst living in Aberdeen and that was a pretty red dress <3 

   Am I a changed individual?  Highly doubt it. The problem is I have so many things on my mind that I can not contemplate buying things I do not need. 

  You really want to know what I want for Christmas? A time machine. I want to go back to 2010, spend all the time in the world with my gran, change a few things over and then be happy...

   I am usually 90% of the time cheerful, but I'm not actually happy. Everyday I get a stabbing feeling in my chest. Once it got so bad I was bent over in agony at work. Why? I don't know but my mum is begging me to go to the doctors. 

   I have a feeling something is missing in my life right now. I know what it is, so no need to try and guess. What is sad, is that I tried to fill this void with a 17 year old boy and lots of alcohol, which in turn made me realise how stupid I was being and made me make a tough choice to move back home. 

  NO, I am not moving home because of him.. I am moving home because, sorry to say this (no I am not an attention seeking whore), I am depressed. I know I have no excuse to be since she was only my grandmother, but I do miss her, and I regret many of the choices I made. That isn't the only thing which is getting me down. 

   The past seems to come back at the most inappropriate times. So then, you guys know the man who has been raising me for 8 years, isn't actually my biological dad? Well he is my dad! So if some asshole decides he wants contact with me after 8 years of neglect, can go and jog on!   How dare he try and mentally torture me? I was doing fine until he tried to get in contact with me. He only wanted me as a child to try and pull women. He even made me ask my primary school secretary out on a date for him. Humiliating? Yes... 

   He mentally abused my mum and physically abused my brother. He disowned me when I was only 15 when I was crying out for a relationship. Well guess what? His fault! I have the most amazing father in the world, who supports me through-out everything. I worship the ground that man walks on. When I choose to get married, it will be him that walks me down the isle, it will be him that holds my first born, it will be him that I die for. Guess what (if my future husband agrees to this), I will have my first born son named after him, because Colin Shipton is the greatest man alive, and he is the greatest thing that has happened to my mother and I. I do not know how to thank him enough, nor do I know what I would do without him. He has saved me so many times. To him I am his daughter, and he shows me what love truly is. I never knew a father's love until I met him. 

   Anyway enough of this tear fest ... on my part. 

  Season of good will!   Remember that family time isn't only of Christmas day but it should be everyday!  

   Also.. there is no such thing as Jesus, or a God.. so I celebrate Christmas as a season of goodwill, and a day of thanks. A day of remembrance. A day of forgiveness, to those who deserve it. 

Wish you guys a happy new year!  Hopefully 2012 is good to you. 

Hopefully it doesn't actually bring the end of the world. 

The Aftermath, and the Return of Satan

It has been a shit couple of weeks for me..


Should I list them? Meh, may as well..:
1 ) Gran dies, and I had to watch her die.. Would never wish that upon my enemy. It is truly horrific. 
2 ) Satan / Sumo, has wormed her way into my mother's life again by playing games. These games are called Katie. 
3 ) I love Aberdeen, but I feel bitterly lonely.
4 ) I think I am losing my mum to Sumo's games ='(






Gran's Death:
   Basically this tore me up inside. I actually wanted to cry at the funeral but I thought since I am only the grand-daughter, people would be angry that I cried; or thought I was an attention seeker. But I'm not, I just love her. I actually haven't cried since she died, and I feel as though there is a little part of me missing. 
    I miss her smell. I miss her random texts and letters telling me she missed me and that she was thinking of me. I also miss her laugh... her sweet, funny, little laugh. All I have left now are pictures around my room, pictures of when I was a baby and she was holding me ^_^
   I found out recently that she was extremely proud of me. She thought I was in University, but sorry to disappoint I'm not, nor do I intend to. But she was proud. My grand-dad now talks about me a lot which is because apparently she must have talked about me a lot to grand-dad =3   
   Now due to her passing, I am the "gate keeper" and "the chosen one". Don't ask me, my mum gave me these nicknames because I have a soul, and refused to hurt my gran when she was alive! Because I have empathy..now onto the next topic;


SATAN HAS RETURNED!!!
   In case you may not have known this, I have a half sister, who has a daughter; which makes her my niece. I knew her growing up because my niece was my best friend. She used to stand at the bottom of the stairs every Saturday morning shouting my name to wake me up. She was almost 2 at the time, so she could say "Ally" =3    Then came the day "sumo" stole £4,000 from my mum and my dad, and did a lot more shady shit; that I would rather not divulge into right now. 
   Now, my gran requested to see "sumo" and Katie before she passed; so we got in contact and wah-lah, she arrived with a thunderous crash! I had to sit in the same room as her as my gran died, and sit next to her in the funeral. You have no idea how much I wanted to beat the crap out of her! I hate that worthless piece of shit! I wouldn't spit of her if she was bouncing around in flames; because she can't run, she's FAT! 
   Anyway yeah, she asked my mum if she wanted to see Katie on Christmas night; knowing full well I would be there! But thankfully my mother said no. Good. But sadly I know she is using Katie to get to my mum, which is killing me inside because my mum is falling for it. But meh.. she is an adult. 


Quite Lonely:
   My brother is lucky, he has Mairi (his fiance) to go back to in Finland, after this whole mess. But when I came back to Aberdeen I had no one. I couldn't talk to my mum because she was busy, couldn't talk to my dad because he was busy and, it isn't something I want to talk to him about. So I have no one. I am actually the loneliest I have been in my whole life. I just want someone to talk to, and cry to. I think the constant pain that I have in my chest is my built up emotions. It is getting pretty dam painful now =S 


Losing My Mum: 
   Probably if you are reading this you are thinking I am stupid and paranoid. But I am not! I am always the one having to call my mum now. My mum doesn't come up to visit me anymore during the weekends because she has "satan's child". So what else am I to think. 
   Right, I did something mean, I made my mum chose between me (a loyal, respectful daughter she has raised for 20 years), or a grand-child (who she has only fully known for less than a month). What pained me and almost made me lose my temper was the fact she couldn't chose. Now tell me I am stupid, still? 
   If I wasn't losing her to some other child, she would have chosen me, but she couldn't. So what I am learning to do, is not contact her. If she wants to talk to me, she can call me. But I'd rather not lose a mum because if she died I would probably die as well because I love her that much. But life is a bitch right? 
   I might not come home over Christmas anymore. Might decide to stay in Aberdeen because I'd rather my mum saw Katie than me. That is how I truly feel.. Who needs Family? Because right now, I do, but I can't seem to get through to them. But if my family want me back, they know what to do. Make that choice! 






Well, please say the New Year brings me happiness because I really do not understand what I have done wrong to deserve this shit? If you know them email me the answer ^_^  That would be lovely! 
   Time to go and revise now...


Byeeee!!!* <3 

Aberdeen..

Right.. so I haven't wrote one of these in a month (I think), so here is an update on things you probably don't give a crap about. 

Moved to ABERDEEN!
 Finally found my own flat. Really cute flat, which is good =)  It is strange having your own place because you realise how frustrating it is to have to do everything for yourself, such as, cook, clean, and more cleaning.. oh and also my personal favourite - Pay bills.. =P

   As my friends know I am terrible at saving, so every night for the past month (I have been in Aberdeen for a month now, scary...) my mum has been giving me the same old talk about saving and what not. I know! It gets a little bit annoying after a while to be hearing the same old talk over and over again. She knows when I begin to get annoyed because I call her "mother". Her reply.. "Don't you mother me!" ;-) 

    

Is it sad that I am getting withdrawal symptoms over Body Combat? 

  I have took it upon myself to download some of the old release tracks to listen to as I walk to work. What I found the other day there, I begin to cry. 

   This is not pathetic in any way what-so-ever! It just shows.. that I am pathetic.. yes =P  

  What I am finding really difficult and off putting right now is that, I am obviously going to fail this course. I am working hard on my revision, but for the practical parts, I am not as good as I thought I would be. I must have gotten used to the same old Les Mills releases, so technically I am not as fit as I thought I was. Which makes it hard because it feels like P.E all over again in high school. I could have done the full time for one of the workout activities but because a guy came up behind me I stopped.. 

  My insecurities will either destroy me or make me a better person. Well.. doubt it could make me a better person, but I am a determined weirdo, so maybe my determination will help me battle my insecurities. It doesn't help that there are 22 guys on my course and only three girls (including me). Girls... DO EXERCISE COURSES IN COLLEGE! It won't kill you =)    I could use this gender difference in my research sports class.. Yes a research sports class. How crappy is that? 

   Why can't life be easier?

But I am happy. 

Extremely happy =) 

My mum gets worried that I am lonely or hiding things from her. But I'm not. Aberdeen is a great place with amazing people!  Also, the night life isn't too bad either ;-)  Loving.The.Parties! 

 

London Bridge Is Falling Down...

So London.. blood anyone?

                                                              Poor show.. fake as fake gets!

The excitement to go to England and visit my friends was unbearable.. You know that excitement?   Getting ready to open your Christmas presents, thinking it's the gift you wanted; but in the end your let down?

   Not all of England was like this. I loved being in Tunbridge Wells, mostly because it was familiar to me. London was different. London was drama.

What I have noticed is that drama follows me around like a bad smell. Furthermore, I HAVE THE SMALLEST BLADDER ON THE PLANET!    Argh.. just going to wear a giant nappy =3 Think in total I peed about 7 times in the space of 12 hours :P  .. that is worrying.

  Chinatown was cool.. Chinese people are the cutest <3 
  Soho.. was different. I am not homophobic, but being in a pub full of lesbians leaves me uneasy. I am fine in a pub full of gay guys. I think this is where it all went wrong... Now comes the drama.

  I do not know what I did wrong, I honestly don't. I just kept asking her to hurry up so I could pee (I wasn't the only one asking her to hurry up). However, I was the one that got pushed against the lift walls with a finger in my face and getting shouted at.   I have never been pushed by anyone.  No matter how drunk I am, I wouldn't be violent towards one of my old friends.

    Feck it, it's amazing what happens and who changes when you move 500 miles away. Or actually who doesn't change and needs to learn to grow up a little bit.

Anyway,  to all my friends that came out to play in Tunbridge Wells, thank you. I do truly miss you guys!  Don't think I will ever meet such amazing people as I have done in my life so far.

   The people I have in my life are the people I want to take to my grave :)  They are the most nicest, sweetest and down to Earth people ever. That goes for my amazing friends in Scotland too. 

Clarks crew know how to party ;-) xxxxxx